At this point in time I was looking for a dream. When I first enrolled into public school as a 6th grader something inside me changed. I became a product of society. Consumed with fitting in the mold teachers and my peers asked for. All I wanted was to fit in and be perfect, which for a 6th grader was an impossible feat. In 7th grade I was hit with the realization of this goals impossibility and I slipped into a fog. I was never officially diagnosed but I think I battled with depression during my time at middle school. Who doesn’t, right? At school I put on the costume of a perfect, happy student but when I went home I revealed the monster I had become within. I was rude to my family members, I isolated myself as much as possible, and made sure to never smile, although I had been smiling since birth and it would shine through on occasion, much to my dismay.
When I started school at eagle tech I could no longer be that person I was in middle school. Eagle Tech’s real world stimulation demanded that I be the Carmen I knew before public school. As I attended the orientation night for the freshmen, I looked at my mom with lights shining in my eyes and said “It is homeschool!” I needed to be my old happy self if I wanted to survive. For me this was a game changer. What I thought was important, was useless. What I deemed as worthy of my attention was a waste of my time.
Thankfully I undertook that metamorphosis during freshmen year so when my sophomore year rolled around I was ready to… well I didn’t know what I was ready to do. That’s where Lent came in. I had found myself now I just needed to know what to do with myself. I desperately needed a path to follow as I started to build the foundation for the rest of my life. Well, whatever that was destined to be. So I gave up something that I believed was my life source… Meat. For 40 days I would get better acquainted with beans and vegetables and purge the main course of every meal at our home. The first day was fun. It was exciting to try a new diet that some people live on. The 2nd day was when I really started to question my decision. I sat at our dinner table with beans I had cooked in a crock pot while the rest of my family ate T-bone steaks around me. Talk about temptations. Nothing really happened until 2 weeks before Easter. I started having this incredible desire to travel. I spent hours on Pinterest looking at far away countries and recalling my own vacations and the different experiences I had accumulated on them. Then one day in Spanish class I thought to myself, What if I become an exchange student?
My mom was an exchange student and during this time my cousin was on an exchange in Taiwan. Later that day I meandered down to my guidance counselor’s office where I asked if it would be possible to graduate early and be an exchange student. I was promptly told that it would be impossible with my diploma and a new law passed saying no students could graduate a full year early. At the time I shrugged it off as just a notion then went back to my bean and bread sandwich.
Later that week I attended a bible study with a friend where we sang and talked about our current standings with the Creator. Then to wrap things up the group began to prophesy over a guest that had come that day like me. I sat back and just prayed, being a little uncomfortable telling someone their future when I was still so insecure about my own. When out of nowhere a strong, kind voice said one simple word that would forever alter my life. This voice told me, “GO.” That was all that was said. Just go. No insightful elaborate vision. No sign in the sky. Just a voice and one word. The next day at school I marched into my guidance counselor’s office with quite the predicament, because I knew whether they wanted me to or not I was going! Where, I knew not. How, I knew not. But that’s what God wants me to do. So I’m doing it.
Now, almost a year later, Rotary application submitted and accepted, orientation weekend sleep-over completed and first payment made…I wait….on what? To find out where the Lord will send me. And I will GO. Where in the world will I be? Wait and see!